Asspain is not an Option

The Catalonian Blunder, or Asspain is not an Option

Pasterada catalana

[Whole play: The Catalonian Blunder, or Asspain is NOT an Option, by Howard Moss, drawings by Edward Gorey, in Instant Lives, 1974.)

The Catalonian Blunder

A terrace overlooking Barcelona


RODRIGO: Here, you are happy, Alice?

ALICE: Happy? In Spain? With you?


(Curtain)

Xarnec papissot

Find a few more blunders


First, the fellow, as seen plainly by the way he dresses, is himself NOT a Catalonian. He is obviously another turd-sucking asshole spic. Dressed in the fake Andalusian or spic fascist fashion, with his quite recognizable Francoist military shit of a face, he is also your typical sex-starved blunderbuss bore.

Second big blunder. Catalonia is a nation partially inserted in the geographical unit named Iberian Peninsula (Iberia, Hispania, Spain). But, of course, it has nothing to do with the fake, erroneously so-called, “nation” of “Spain,” the silly invention almost unanimously called, much more properly, Asspain. Asspain, where the inquisition flourished, where murderous fascism thrives, where the avaricious blasted race of the reptilian castilian continues to practice its despicable genocides.

Because she finds herself in front of another annoying spic, himself a lost foreigner in Catalonia, does the foolish prim lady stupidly assume that she is in Asspain. She’s deadly wrong. She’s deadly wrong, but of course she despises asspain. Asspain should never be an option. A pain in the ass is a nefarious pain indeed.

Na Desdenys i en Desgraciat

[Peça de teatre sencera, escrita per Howard Moss, il·lustrada per Edward Gorey]



Na Desdenys i en Desgraciat


Na Desdenys ve d’Anglaterra i ha vist, sempre equànime, i amb monocle i tot, bon tros de món. A una terrassa barcelonina, un vespre de dolces brises s’ha trobat amb en Desgraciat, íncola xarnec, sòmines típic, avui molt sapastrement festejador.

En Desgraciat li diu, ple d’esperança carrinclona, que na Desdenys:

–S’hi deu trobar collonut, en un indret tan “salat”.


Na Desdenys fa que:

–Bah! Al lloc on tothom pateix de mal al cul? I amb un desgraciat? Allí s’hi hauria de trobar si fa no fa com cal? Somies, carallot!

And now, as a bonus yet, the true interpreter’s informed point of view







I also think that, in fact, “Alice” is another of the myriad upright and angry Catalonians – a disgusted Catalonian she, also – disgusted (as who wouldn’t) at the creepy stinking “asspainful” “asspaniard” “Rodrigo,” pestilential representative of his reptilian race.



As every Catalonian worth his or her salt, “Alice” wants out of “Asspain,” she wishes nothing as much as never having to deal any more with any of those damned fascist genocidal scumbags called “asspaniards.” She wants them all, once and for all, dead and buried. All Catalonians do.



That’s why she screams, horrified:




“Me, a Catalonian, living in “Asspain”?! With any damned rotten “asspaniard”?! Not fucking likely! Shit, no! Never! Such an excruciating prospect! There’s a plight I wouldn’t foist on my worst enemy!”




(And the worst enemies of the Catalonians are, as everybody plainly knows, the fucking “asspaniards” themselves. That’s why no kind Catalonian wants any “asspaniard” having to live with any other “asspainful” “asspaniard” in the rotten shithole called “Asspain” – that would be cruel indeed – that’s why they rather would see them all dead.)